How to derive the maximum enjoyment from crackers
Speaking man to man the most important element in deriving the
maximum enjoyment from crackers is the choice of a companion to help you
enjoy them. She must be someone whom you admire. A beautiful woman,
elegant and accustomed to sophistication, a woman whose company is a
challenge to enlist, a woman that’s hard to get.
In approaching the companion that is going to help you enjoy the
crackers, it is best not to tell her of your intention; let it be a
surprise to her. Be charmingly mysterious, saying only that you are
going to do something currently different. If she accepts your
invitation, proceed in making the following arrangements:
Reserve two hotel rooms for the same night in two different hotels;
one a single room in a skid-row flop house, and the other, a suite of
rooms in the finest hotel in town. If you do not own an expensive car,
make arrangements to have one at your disposal for the evening.
On the day of the occasion, a few hours before you are to pick her
up, purchase several heads of lettuce, romaine, endive, fresh spinach,
etc.; several pounds of fresh ripe tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, olives,
green onions, and so forth. In other words, whatever ingredients you
would choose to make an attractive salad. Finally, you must also
purchase five gallons each of the following dressings: Roquefort,
French, Russian, Thousand Island, and Vinegar & Oil.
Take these ingredients to the room at the skid-row hotel. Pull back
the covers on the bed and make a four or five inch layer of salad that
covers the entire surface of the bed, tossing the salad well with your
hands. Pull the covers back over the salad and re-make the bed. Be sure
there is no salad on the floor. Place the twenty-five gallons of
dressing in the closet.
With the above accomplished, proceed to dress for the evening. Dress
as though you were a waiter or a wine captain in an expensive
restaurant, but leave doubt as to whether or not this is what your
attire really suggests. The doubt is, of course, a personal matter. When
you are dressed, and all of the necessary arrangements have been made,
proceed to pick up your date.
When you call for her, create an air of wistful mystery. however, try
not to make your mystery dark and ominous; keep it light and taunting.
If she asks you what is planned for the evening, it is very effective to
look into her eyes, smile faintly, but say nothing, and then look away.
Drive casually to the flop house. Make interesting conversation; keep
her wondering; answer her questions about what you are going to do with
only, “You’ll see.”
When you arrive at the flop house, take her quickly to the room you
have rented. Once inside the room, ask her this question: “By the way,
what salad dressing do you prefer?” When she has told you, go into the
bathroom and drape a small hand towel over your forearm (a la fancy
waiter). Return to the room and pull back the covers on the bed to
display the crisp green salad.
One of the high points of the evening is now at hand. You must coax
her to lie down in the bed. She may possibly reject such a notion at
first, and may even attempt to leave. Reason with her adroitly. One of
the finest points of argument to convince her is that it is perfectly
all right is “salads are good for you.” If she is still hesitant, you
can even go so far as to chide her for not being adventuresome. Whatever
you do, get her in that bed; get tough if you have to, but get her in
that bed!
After she is in the bed, go to the closet and take out the five
gallons of her choice of dressing, and with great flair, pour it over
her entire body. She will probably make some remarks like: “What is the
meaning of this ridiculous tableau? Are you mad, you crazy
son-of-a-bitch!” Enjoy them.
When you have emptied the entire five gallons of dressing on her,
snap your fingers and say “Crackers!” Begging her forgiveness, explain
that you have forgotten the crackers. Tell her that you will have to run
to the store, and for her not to move a muscle.
Race out of the flop house, drive swiftly to a store and buy a small
box of saltines. Do not buy fancy crackers. When you have purchased
them, drive to the fine hotel in which you have rented a suite of rooms.
Go directly up to your suite, place the box of crackers on the
nightstand beside the bed, take your clothes off, and get into bed. Turn
the lights off, settle down, and nibble on the crackers one by one. You
will derive a maximum enjoyment from them.
by Mason Williams, from The Mason Williams Reading Matter, 1964.
